live to love...



Monday, December 12, 2011

moving on

looking forward to moving home to a new job, new life, new car....this has been an incredibly hard year. full of learning and experience. i am looking forward to baby Eli, Gavin and Savanah!!! new friends/old friends. i cannot WAIIITTT!!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

more more

no one knows in ohio really the true day.and i am so excited to be able to come home so so soon and just...APPEAR!! i cannot wait to leave so much behind me. everything. everything. i will get a new job/car/apartment. everything, i am starting OVER. i dont need a man to have a good life and i need to work on making myself happy. =] <3. ciao.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

sad ideas

i apparently invested more into Limer than he invested into me. i am so so sad. my heart is breaking. i dont want to let him go. hes been a part of my life for 6 months every single day. i dont WANT to let go. i wanted to be able to see him alot. today i parked next to a lincoln just like his and was 5 minutes late to work because i thought of every time i climbed into his car and how i just had fun because we were going on an adventure. every. time. im so soso so depressed. i'll get over it. i always do.

dream

i had a dream that I was working with all the same people for a pizza place that work at VS and Glen walked in with his kids and a woman who ended up being the kis mom.....i was devastated but was trying to maintain my professional attitude when another guy looking JUST LIKE Glen walked in and said that the first Glen was his twin brother and that his twin had married his exwife/kids mother and i felt so weird but happy because he had come to see me. My mom had JUST bought a house here in CO and was on her way there and i wanted to tell her i was moving that buying a house here was a huge mistake. She got in though and her and Glen kept missing each other and then there was some weird stuff with my boss and co workers and then mom but it was a weird dream....i am so.so.so. sad that its been almost a week since ive even HEARD from Limer. he went to an OR ducks game and i havent heard from him since. im so fucking sad. im moving home now earlier and no one knows because its a humungo surprise, but GLime has been in my life since May and a constant every day thing since July 5th and im more than sad that i havent received a text or call. Just devastated. my hear hurts and i cant even cry thats how shocked and hurt i am. its awful. maybe my dream was telling me that hes complete now. idk. i just am a far fucking cry from ok right now. apparently he meant more to me than i meant to him. sad

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

11:11

its 11:11 and i wish that by tomorrow i know if im to see Limer again. i have to have some validation or closure. i dont want to not be in his life.....but i bet you i know that its over.....i feel it. i can feel it being done. and that Jan when i move home my NEW life starts over....im just not ready. i have sent EVERY DAY since July 5th a song...and its a different song to Limer and one to three images of either kissng or "i miss you" or limes, or something thats relevant to our relationship to him via email EVERY DAY. every day. and at least 4 times a week a pic of me. since JULY 5th! insanity! a hard habit to break. i miss him already. we will see. ball is in his court now. so so so so so so sad.....

Monday, November 28, 2011

indie night

today has been me lounging around in my socks panties and hoodie. cleaning sometimes, doing laundry sometimes....texting, and then eating cereal from a cup. because i WANT to. ive watched Limitless and now Welcome to the Rileys. super Indie film. i hold my hands out in front of me to look at my nails and im so happy because i have more fingers than weeks until i move. everything is crazy at work. i am at a heightened level of pissed off with one of my employees and her complete classless act, i want to kick her ass and i just might. . . . she brings out the WORST in me .grr. christmas is coming. freaks me out. i am going to get G&S some presents and mail them off this week, then mail home a ton of my stuff.....Juliet wants to buy my car so im selling it before i leave and flying home. this is my life. this is what im supposed to do. maybe one day someone will make an Indie film about me....

Friday, November 25, 2011

limes n happiness


thanksgiving was so random. i spent it with tom nate and juliets fam. us 3 orphans having supper. i loved it but was sad because i miss Gav & Sav so bad it breaks my heart. BREAKS. even though i didnt get to talk to Limer and hear his voice we did text a bit and i just miss miss miss him. I cant wait to go visit him before I move to ohio. The holidays will be so bitter sweet because I am saying goodbye to the few people i have allowed to remain in my life. I get to wind down with my emplyees and my friends before going off to see my Limer and then move home for a big change. I am ready to be involved with the kids for about 6 months and get some more school done. I am excited to venture into marketing and have my family influence and make more memories. this year has had so many ups and downs. the few good things i am taking away from this year are: college, divorce, Limer, Novus, promoting...(never again), learning how to stick up for myself, learning how to set boundaries and not be such a people pleaser...ive learned i can still be myself without compromising what I want and people respect me. Limer brought to my attention a few things about myself and I am grateful for it. I also have learned to listen to my instincts. Although i want to plan everything, sometimes going with the flow and allowing things to just happen works best. this has been a learning year. i love it. my number one favorite thing about this year was meeting my Limer. he makes my heart swell. just love it.

Friday, November 18, 2011

bubbles

on finding nemo, there is a fish in the tanks that just looooves the treasure chest that opens and emmits bubbles.....thats how i felt today when Limer called me. there was zero point to the conversation. just everything i feel for him came in a huge wave all over me again by hearing his voice. he laughs and he riles me up and then he compliments me and he made me warm when i was in the cold. my cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.....i miss him so hard. today at work i thought, "im not settling, but if he is in my life as texts forever but we at least establish that, then i will be happy.n when i hear a song and i run back to see name of song and artist and text him....its because it reminds me of him. when i take photos of myself to send him its because i want him to see me how i  am every day. no makeup ....lotsa make up...dressed up, pjs...whateveer

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

adventure

im going to see Rocker!! im going to see my friend I havent seen since my birthday i am so excited!! we're going to have a slumber party and eat popcorn and drink slushies!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

one full day of silence...

he finally cracked. Friday he promised to call me and he didnt. Friday i cried and deleted his number and everything because i was on my GIRL TIME which intensified how pissed i was. all day sat and most of sunday i was livid. so he finally texted me a picture of the kids and i flewwwww off the handle. i just think that if we are long distance then a FUCKING phonecall isnt that hard ONCE A WEEK. anyways. this is our first argument. i believe what he says in my heart but in my mind i am keeping him at an arms length. lotsa proving. Jan 19th is our deadline. if i am not planning a visit soon for that day then im going to flip out. its time we see each other. i meannnn by then it will have been 4 months EXACTLY. and i am super needy in certain ways. i need affection and i need to feel like I am the reason he is living. even if its just a card or a text. im pretty easy on my needy. anyways. im super stoked that he did text me. that means...SOMETHING??? yeah? bleh.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

as usual

girls night. fuck the pain away.

Friday, November 11, 2011

never fucking mind

Door Mat no longer. I left Derrick and dated Zika for a little while and then i found Limer and its been Limer Limer Limer. i visited and its been great but the phone calls slowed down and the emails stopped and the texting REEEALLLLYYY slowed down. fuck being in a fantasy relationship. so we had fun. so hes a good guy over the phone and when i say it out loud. NOT fun to be sad about the holidays or just turning guys down left & fucking RIGHT to be faithful to a fucking voiceon the phone with no explicit boundaries. none. im so over this. i miss being held and loved and made to feel like I am important and worth something. I at LEAST once a month have sent him SOMETHING to scream i care about you and that you're a dad and you mean alot and i want to someday live near you and see if we can work. but i get nothing back. im not worth a fucking PHONECALL>>>>? the bye. God has someone in mind for me. I am too nice and too giving and a fun girl. i dont deserve to be ignored. and it hurts. o. so . bad but i would rather just be done and meet someone for me than let them pass me by because I am living in a FUCKING FANTASY. uuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhh. im so sad/mad.

Monday, November 7, 2011

new direction

my entire life is going in a new direction. Since the very end of October it shifted. I now am really excited for a completely fresh new start in January. im hoping the decisions i made now for my future are the right ones. I guess whatever happens happens .no need to over think it. Just wish I had a positively for sure date set aside for the next time I would see Limer. i am disconnected from him and i really dont like that. at the same time I am still living my life and planning for my uncertain future. I am sad so sad about spending the holidays away from my family but there is so much strength and positive people that i still have in GJ that i am confident this will be a memorable holiday while pushing me along to greater future holidays. You can always find the bright in the dark....i am finding it and living in it.

Monday, October 31, 2011

i just. miss. him.





ever since I have come home from OR, there has been stuff. i was sick, I had court, I have worked, I went to a conference in Denver, I had two floor sets, I am now on the third, I have been interviewing and he has had ex wife drama, surgery, and then I found out I wasnt going to go to OR for my vaca. and I cried. I freaking was pissed off and angry. Now. today I am sad. my Papaw Cloyes died. Im more worried about my dad and aunts and uncle and also my other Pawpaw Gillis. if anything happens to him I dont know what I will do. hes like my dad. My mom depends on him so much that I think she would lose it. I also have something else thats been bothering me for 3 weeks but I cant talk about it. I cant wait to leave. I have so much going on in my life and decision and things....that I wish Limer and myself were able to just be NORMAL. fuck. i wana be NORMAL. im beginning to crack the fuck up. I want to either live there and work on it or fucking be done. im so aggrevated. he sent me a picture of him and his daughter and I just died. i miss him. i havent seen him in almost 2 months and i know we can make it because we obviously are, but i just adore him and I want to be around him. is it fucking WRONG:? is ITTTTT!?!??

Sunday, October 23, 2011

you know how...?

you know how :
when you take a walk alone and notice nature and put life out of your mind and just enjoy yourself its super rewarding?






you get goosebumps from a memory?



ice cream makes most girls feel better??? ---> i'll take a gelatin or a sorbet.



girl time just makes everything better, even watching dumb chick flicks and dancing around or painting toenails in your panties or even playing in makeup and jewelry....??




sometimes sweatpant day with the boy is the best. you do NOTHING, watch tv, play cards, order take out...shower, cuddle. yums





when life may be crazy but you just know you're doing the right thing in every thing?



when the future seems scary and unknown but you go for it?



friends, and boys come and go but sisters are forever??? its true. im telling you.



 you meet the perfect match and theres a bazillion hours and states between you>? yeah. that.

Friday, October 21, 2011

feeling.....i dont want to feel.










gotta slam the brakes on. just realized i have feelings. time to throw my heart in the freezer for awhile, calm down, and remember what heartache feels like.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

i cant breathe

o man o man. I am sooo sad. I know its not his fault but i am so sad. i didnt know how much seeing Limer meant until i found out we cant meet up until January. O my gosh it hurts. I sat down and tried to be happy to see my family and thought about my niece and nephew but i just laid my head down and threw my arms across my face and felt myself just hurt all over. I already have had a headache for over a week now but this hurt so i couldnt breathe. i dont feel like I will never see him again. i feel like we're in each others lives for a really really long time. i just feel like we are right. but things have to occur naturally and not forced and if he were to force my visit to have happened and then his kids or work or his life became more hectic we would never see each other again. so i truly believe we will just go through this. its 50/50. completely. i know that theres chemistry, and a connection, and a mutual attraction. i know this. i just hope that its all enough to keep us connected for two more months. i dont see why not. we went July5-Sept15 now Sept18-????January 31 is my cut off. otherwise im flying out to see him and he will just have to have me tag along to see whats next. i miss my Limer Miss him so so bad=[

Sunday, October 16, 2011

neat.o dream.o.

so i told Limer about the ol accident. NEATO.  i didnt want him thinking I  am an attention whore or money bag grabber. so. now he knows blah blah blah. i told him i need to know if I am coming to see him or going to Ohio 11/3. he said i will know by Tuesday October 18 because he knows i like to plan....whaaa? like to plan?? i wish i had known like 4 weeks ago to plan not 2 weeks before the ticket is bought....Lawdy. any how. so A & S have their daddy in full on post surgery and im crying about seeing him. im so selfish and gross. Wana hear something weird??? 3 weeks ago i dreamt that i was home with my dad and natalie him and cassie were helping me pack to Oregon. 2 days later a girl i work with came into work and said, i had a dream you were with your family and you were soooo happy swinging around in a tree and said I am going to be a step mom....im moving to OREGON!!!! and then last night. i had a dream that Limer me his kids and another kid were in a car going to dinner with his brother and his wife and i had a black diamond engagement ring on......wtf does it all meaaaannnnnnn

Friday, October 14, 2011

let it burn

my eyes sting and my heart breaks but sings. i feel single but taken. i feel complete. i feel happy. this is the first time i feel confident and not stressed. i know i no longer need validation to feel happy or that i mean a lot to someone. he went to surgery Mon. after a week of him having b. mama drama and pre surgery worries, we go to the following week with my newest most important floor set, his surgery, post surgery. and i feel fantastic. he doesnt text me. o well. hes fucking busy. i feel free. i dont stress that he doesnt "like me or care anymore". i feel....like its whatever. hes busy sleeping or medicating or watching his kids. i dont get all crazy and over think. then i think and i am so happy. this is what confidence feels like. this is what being yourself and not worrying feels like. im almost to the EXACT day i left the ex husband one year ago and i look where im at. how far ive come and what all i have accomplished and im fucking impressed. so happy. if you dont know me. probably no big deal. if you DO know me and you have seen this last year, its huge. my self esteem, job, schooling, finances, self worth, happiness, spiritual life....everything has grown. no doubt ive gone through some SUPER low lows., but you know what, the UPS outweigh the downs and im super impressed. AND AND AND. ive quit smoking. boo-yahh!!!=}

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

the foulest.

i am in SUCH a foul mood today. my one roommate is moving to Denver soon. yay.  another friend of mine just is blowing me off. because i think that shes bonding with my ex and its fine but theres now a conflict of interest in our friendship. i went to court today for my DWAI again...this time with the attorney. but court just puts me in a foul mood. its with gross people. low lifes. criminals. and im just over this town and the people and the way things are around here. im just over it. trying to stay positive. soon i am moving. i think maybe, because I know theres a light at the end of the tunnel i am just rushing it to be done. anyways. so i took like a 2.5 mile walk today and cleared my head and prayed.....this is going to be a trying 3 monnths. im trying to get ready for the holidays. SOOO then LIMER has his surgery....and we havent really talked for like 3 days since i worked and he was in recovery. im so so sad for him i hope he heals. i wana see him SOSO bad. going to OR or OH Nov 3rd-Nov6th...cant wait!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

o fecckkk

o man. first off....didnt even get an email about THIS new set up. threw me for a loop lol. soo. this last week was just crazy. work off work off denver off then work work work work work OBNOXIOUS hours. but. im glad. whatever i can do to stay busy until Jan. October is SUUUCH a hard month for me!! so i came home from work and i am off the next two days. hello therapy and a hike. just watched Jeff Ross' standup and Bill Burr..? i think on net flix. i love it. im going to the next comedy show that comes in town. miss the Funny Bone in ohio. miss my family and i REALLLLY miss my niece and nephew. ive been talking to them alot lately. they are growing uppp!! 4 weeks is vaca. either going to see Limer or fam. dont really care who...just ready to GO. ps: its starting...i can feel it and im dreading it. this is about the time heart ache sets in. im kinda scared.

Friday, October 7, 2011

cry.cry.cry.

Before my marriage I cried over everything. During my marriage I cried only when I couldn't take anymore because he would yell at me and tell me to stop being a baby...stop crying blah blah blah...when I left him I rarely cried. It just was like I couldn't release and cry or I would get in trouble so I've held a lot in....after Limer and I began talking I've not cried but a few times. And one was a work deal and the other was court. I rarely cry anymore....but. the night I packed to come home my eyes filled with tears and spilled over because I didn't want it to end. Nest I see Limer and leave I can just know that I'm going to bawwwllll. So I'm working on it. No cry:)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

the j.o.b.

I learned a lot today. About my other managers in the districe and how to communicate effectively to customers and associates. It was amazing to have such a tight knit group of victoria secret girls together and make new friends. I'm super excited about Holiday....on the other hand with Limer. I am so happy and he makes me happy and I'm sooo glad to have met him and to also feel a strong connection with him. I'm so weirded out because how do you carry on a normal relationship under such abnormal circumstances...I feel like we do a good job but this week has been a bit testy. There are things beyond our control that are going on and I want to be supportive but I don't know how to show my support or understanding when I am so far away. I just am super confident in our relationship wherever it stands, I am being uber faithful....I havemt really established a title but I feel we are mature enough that we know we want to continue this and it goes without saying. I cannot wait to see him again and hopefully...it will be soon. I miss him "like whoa"

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

therapy

few things i learned today.
**i drink because others are
**i drink if im in an uncomfortable place (meeting new people or in an unfamiliar place)
**i drink to enhance a good time


i do not roll out of bed and crack open beer or liquor and start my day. i have on VACATION but i do not just think i need it to make my day better. phew.


i do not drink JUST because others are i have gone to peoples home or at my own and not drank anything because I didnt want to or because i knew the next day I had to work and I didnt want to be irresponsible


I do not drink certain liquors because I know they affect me in a negative way (blackout/passout/sick)


I do though....need to set limits and boundaries. just because I am at a football game and have no responsibilities that day or the next doesnt mean drink until i can no longer hold a can or hold myself up. I need to be more accountable, pace myself to ensure others arent having to deal with a sloppy drunk.



these are the things i learned. I have made leaps and bounds since my divorce. the month of March was a really. emotional and financial. and just astressful month, the beginning of summer and i drank too much from March on my spring break at school until June 2nd when i had my blackout Moab incident. then i became worried so i pulled the plug on Jaegger. I will do shots in moderation and i am SURE that I am going to slip up here and there but im starting somewhere....

Monday, October 3, 2011

i digress.

so i took vacation November 3rd- 6th. maybe going to see Limer...i want to. also. the stupidest person i have EVER in my life had to work with pissed me off to great lengths last week and i said NOTHING because im tired of it seeming as if i am picking on them. i had to say nothing. every other employee went to my boss and talked to her apparently so when i was asked i just validated the info and said how i resolved the issue. my mom has always said, that you give someone rope and they either climb to the top or hang themselves. i dont care which direction this girl goes but i dont want to get thrown under the bus by her, carry her work load, or deal with her stupid decisions and since I am unable to fire her i am praying that she figures it out or leaves. when an employee makes me hate them, the line has been more than crossed and i will never ever be able to work with them again. ever. she pisses me off. so bad. omg. anyways. so hope i get to see Limer, im losing friends left & right due to my new drinking habits and the fact that i am trying to better myself and due to my job. oh well. good friends can be counted on one hand. i am grateful for the few i do have. anyways. nothing to talk about -ciao

Sunday, October 2, 2011

bullshit

so when friend boy used to call and ask me to come over to talk or hold me and play games. he was with his now girlfriend. he asked me not to talk about it ever. im cutting off all contact. i cannot be friends with someone who is a liar and a cheat. i just cant. i mean i slept with him. i loved him. i went over sometimes knowing he didnt want to commit but any time spent with him was me being happy...at the time. and now he is still with the girl and i just found out that hes been with her since we initially broke up. what. an. ass. she thinks hes this amazing guy and she has no idea that he called me over and held my hand and would take me on dates KNOWING that he was stringing me along. KNOWING that he had a girlfriend. i HATE him for using me in that way. i would NEVER tell her unless for some reason she found me and asked but....what. a. load. of bullshit. bleh. thank GAWDDD im over him and i have moved on, found myself, and have met Limer. geez. Friend Boy was a baaaad move and a bullet dodged.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

sicko words.

these are words i dont like.
i spell them or thesauraus the hell out of it but i dont like these words...add your own.
*pimple-ew
*feet/foot-im weird about feet
*fart-word makes me shudder
*poop- i will spell this word
*zit-same as p.i.m.p.l.e.
*seep
*ooze
*moist-universally hated.
*crotch
*secrete
*barf
*turd
*thrust-it sounds so dirty
*scrotum-need i explain?
*chlamydia
*gonnorhea
*diarrhea
*slurp-eek.
*discharge-self explanatory
*yeast (even if youre speaking of bread....its been abused to the point i think of something else. )
*twat--->sii.ck.
*puberty
*pube/pubic/puberty....lets stay with adolescent. please.
*stinky
*damp. okay. . . the towel is damp. is fine. using *damp* as a sex word....creepy
*jack off/jerk off. -action verb---> NOT OKAY
*placenta
*afterbirth

Monday, September 26, 2011

so weird/happy

i dont know whats going on but people sure are making it easier to leave. my closest friend has drifted away from me because she is working a different schedule and planning her wedding that is coming up soon. however her friend that she wanted me to hang out with turned out to just constantly want to sleep with me and so i cut him off and then she didnt understand why i avoid going over when hes around. now shes just told me that shes not inviting me to anything since i ditch out. she doesnt understand that i had ALOT of responsibilities with VS and that even my days off i am still there or on the phone. she doesnt understand that i adore the heck out of Limer and i will not be putting myself in positions that could ruin anything with him. its not that i cant control myself when i drink but i feel like i am growing up alot. i went through the divorce school changes with friend boy changes with my job and after a DUI well actually a DWAI i just want to focus on work. me. and being the best person i can be. i am not cutting her out. i have tried to do lunch, dinner, bbq. have her come over but its always on her terms. it makes me sad. I dont think im a terrible person or friend but I definately am watching what I do because I am trying to focus on getting the fuck out of this town. when i flew back in from OR. i landed in my ex husbands small home town. the place where his friends and their wives constantly come to my job and tell me whats going on or ask how im doing to run back to him....i have no family. none. and i think i have proved to myself (who is the most important person to prove anything to) that yes, I am strong. i can make it alone. however. with my niece and nephew at such a young age and another nephew on the way, I would like to be able to go home for a few months and be with my family. my mom isnt getting younger. neither is my dad. i have friends and family in Ohio and i would like to go home for 6 months to a year. that is all. first off, if things with Limer and me progress who knows what could happen. i am totally not opposed to moving. at all. but I need to reconnect with my family. I am in a very good place mentally. i am supposed to start seeing a therapist but due to work I am not sure when I can begin this process...i am more than willing though. self preservation. i want to someday be able to be in a commited relationship. POSSIBLY have children of my own if my body allows. its kind of like, whatever happens happens, im not opposed to marriage & kids but if it doesnt happen thats okay too=]

Friday, September 23, 2011

swear.

the moment i fall for someone, which is fine...im just SAYIN: every guy ive had a crush on or loiked is loike hey jennaaa....whats uppp! WTF! the rocker, the twin, the college boy, the EX friend boy. i cant wrap my mind around it. since 515pm today. ive received texts and visits at work from all the above. i said good day. you all had a chance. i met someone with substance. pce out as he would say

and on the third day it was good.

some things i wont tell. but i will say that when i woke up GLime was still asleep so i got into the shower it was around 630am. i just sat down and let the hot water run all over me and i was sad. because this was our last day, i sat there and replayed every moment in the last 48 hours and just began crossing my fingers while the shower ran hot on my skin and hoped that this was the first visit. not the only visit. i wiggled my toes and thought about how good we get along and how amazing he is and how great my visit was. he was so super attentive. he took good care to ensure i was having a good time and i just was sad and happy all at once. so after the shower i came into the room and he had left to get coffee. i went down with him to the breakfast area and got fruit and oatmeal and talked to my mom since she was on a trip with my aunt and sisters. after breakfast we went back to the room and he showered while i did hair/makeup clothes. okay so i was a wreck. i was about to meet his BROTHER & his wife. whattt. G & I went to get coffee and beer for the tailgate then met up with his brother. first of all. i was so nervous i was talking to freakinf talk and when we pulled into the shopping center for the coffee/booze i seen taekwando and said...whats take wondo? and then i covered my mouth and died laughing because i KNEW it was taekwondo and omg i felt so stUPID!! anyways so met his brother K & his wife J. they were way cool. we had 2 hours of driving to Eugene OR to hang out before the party. it was super interesting. so . this lovely amazing fun group of people and myself get to the parking area have some beers, go to the football game. it was sooo fuuun!! we were close to the field actually. i went to a brocos game and sat in nosebleeds so this was super fun. about second quarter J & I decided to go get beer, use the ladies room and buy Duck t shirts. the boys met us soon after and we had beers and nachos. well....i should have stopped there. im TELLING YOU. but nooo. i was comfortable and having fun. so we ended up leaving about 3rd quarter and driving....and i drank budlights in transit like an idiot. somehow. we ended up at a strip club. PAUSE. Oregon has state regulated alcohol so i THINK the strip club was the only place serving alcohol that G felt comfortable taking us drunks into that would serve us. while we were there the boys played video poker. J & I were at the bar hanging out and all of a sudden i noticed a freaking super old man in a lounging wheelchair with a blanket to his neck, no teeth passed out. AT>A>STRIPCLUB. WTF. so i called G over to look. we left soon after. well i have insomnia really bad. that plus stress means that before my trip i wasnt sleeping at all. so i was on day 3 night 2 of the trip with barely any sleep. i was drunk. we get to our room after dropping off K&J and i took off my uggs, my skirt, and layed down and slept for ab=n hour while dreaming/stressing about work. i woke up. D.I.L.U.S.I.O.N.A.L. I thought people were in the room that weren't. i thought things were happening that werent. and i was reacting & talking as if they were real. G. unimpressed. but he dealt with me. then i pulled shananigans with him and we got dressed and went to PF Changs for dinner and had a nice. dinner. loved it. then we went back i packed. fought with airlines to get a later flight that didnt work. so he sat on the couch in pjs watching 48 hours and i olayed down with my head in his lap and watched it. i was sooooo sad. he was better than i ever imagined. the next morning we left at 330am to the airport. i left. now im back in GJ. planning my future. i think he will always be in it whether friends....or more. but i hope more because...hes the Lime.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

a side note

so i have successfully quit smoking. ive limited drinking now to weekends and vacations. and i feel like i may still have work to do. i think im a binge drinker? im not a bad person but i think perhaps i have issues i dont deal with and they manifest when i drink and i do not want that. so i am going to see a counselor.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

goodbye beach hello portland

we woke up on friday and i walked on the beach and talked with my sister and let her listen to the waves. i had such an incredible view from our room and i loved it. he went and got us starbucks and then we drove back to Portland. we went to the dowtown area and walked around and looked at shops and stuff. i just wanted to take it all in. people, shops, the sites and smells. it was super nice. so then we went to a Mexican restraunt and had lunch. then kinkos for him to work on something then we went to this plaza and i went and got a spraytan while he worked on a few things from starbucks. i smelled. spray tan fresh. btw. so we go see a movie. "Drive" weird.good.gorey. but then after that we went to the hotel and i showered and picked to go to Macaroni Grill. num num. so we had a few drinks. then we went to a bowling alley and played shuffle board way wrong and didnt even know until another couple asked to play and then we seen how you're supposed to play. so after a bit we went back to the hotel and crossed the street and went to another restraunt and had a few more drinks. then when we went back to the hotel....i crossed the line. no regrets.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

magic.

so. i am going to tell you each day. how it happened. first of all im super happy. this was the best thing for me to have done since I left Derrick. this year has been stressful and very up & down. to meet someone in such an untraditional manner, meet them in person and have the time of my life. its just hands down an incredible experience. i think he is an awesome amazing guy and i truly truly hope things progress from here. So. first off i flew out at 530am. I get to Denver and I change my clothes and straighten my hair. Once i flew into Portland i went and put on makeup. i walked out wearing sandels a gray dress and a jean jacket. i was so super freaked! i walked to the baggage claim, and then texted him. when he walked up he was just beautiful. just like he looked in pictures but better. he bought me mad libs the game! (sweet) and he said that i had walked by but i had already passed by the time he thought it was me and that my hair didnt look red in the pics so he wasnt sure. THENNN okay so we drove to the coast and got coffee and played mad libs all the way there. Once there we walked around the boardwalk little coastal town. he took me to feed sea lions, and then we had lunch. we went to check into our hotel and it wasnt ready so we went to this little restaraunt and had a few blueberry/vodka drinks and then when the room was ready we showered and got dressed for dinner and went back to the same place. it sits right on the beach so it was beautiful and we had a good dinner and walked down the beach where there were a few bonfires but they were pretty small and intiment so we went

to the front desk and rented the movie Source Code. we held hands and kissed and talked and then we went to sleep. it was perfect.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

no no's on a first date

things that you shouldnt eat on a first date.

spaghetti (you have to twirl it and slurp it and bite it off at your teeth...AWKWARD)
chili-umm.
onion
garlic
nacho cheese

broccolli
corn on the cob gives you teeth boogers
giant globs of peanutbutter because it stinks && you talk weir after words
cabbage
soup
fish
milk
vanilla ice cream=BORING personality
tacos. multi tasking is IMPOSSIBLE
buffalo wild wings
deep fried ANYTHING
bean/chili-self explanatory
Indian food

Friday, September 9, 2011

s.t.r.es.s.s.s.

so unspoken stresses in my life right now. im so maxed out. well one is DUI and the other i cant talk about until it gets fixed. im struggeling though. last tuesday is when it started and i cannot fix it probably until i come home from OR. its some massive shit though. feels good to just kind of type about it since only like 5 people even know. i thank God for friends, family and my GLime right now. without them i couldnt be happy.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

princ.ess.



i came home to a present from Limer!!! im so excited. almost time to flip my middle fingers up at this town for a few days and hang out with someone who is as cool as me. cannot. wait.

what the fuck

i cant sleep i am having anxiety. i just realized ex husbands bday is today. i dont care but i remembered getting yelled at for driving too close to the curb or why did i turn then i should have waited or i should have gone. i remember getting chased around the island in my kitchen with him holding a knife and screaming at him to snap out of it he was going to kill me. its been 11 months since i left and everything is beginning to go back to normal. Kind. Of. apparently something snapped in my subconcious. i went to my private diary blog and seen the list i made for mama in order for her to realize WHY i was leaving him. i think i need therapy. not for him, but to heal my mind. i am so traumatized. i talked with my roommate a bit about it and he was appalled at the things "he" put me through. he said i could probably have had him thrown in jail. . . why didnt i DO THAT!! OMG i am so freaking sickened right now at the awful memories of some of the shit he did to me. its like. nothing you would imagine. thats how sick and awful it was. anyways. i told roomie that i really like GLime and i would never ever tell him what happened because its so fucked up and he said i should talk to a professional to get things off my chest. i told him that i dont want to ever feel any type of emotion. not disdain, or hate....anything. he is not worth any. type. of reaction. he agreed. im going to pray now and ask God to erase my memory and to heal me and help me get through it. i want to be done. done done done. anyways. anxiety is gone now. wish that i COULD talk to Limer about some of this...just to help, but we are NOT at all in any position to discuss this and i dont want him to ever have any ex drama with me. i just want him to remain unjaded/untainted and to be my extremely delicious Limer who is seperate from the bad parts of my past. he's like rain in the desert. . . amaazing. <3. so good night. xo.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

cant speak =x

i cant spend my whole life hiding my heart away but i am holding my chest to feel it beat and then make sure its ok. i cant get hurt again. so i close my eyes and remember the pain and how i ended up there in the first place. and REMEMBER. to be real, be me, but dont give my heart away until i know its an even exchange.

best song i listened to today-adele-love song. i keep hearing this damn song by different artists and Adele & 311 are BY far my fav. i like that laid back hypnotic sound i suppose. in 5 minutes i will have ((8)) days until i leave!

i was trying to be weird and in complete control and know what we were doing but now i just am so excited to go that im like if i have shower gel, razor, toothbrush & hooodies and jeans i dont CARE im ready to meet him. this will be great.



Monday, September 5, 2011

grunge. olson twins.

the olson twins intrigue me. they smoke cigaretts, never eat, always wear leather and some random long ass bag lady dress and yet they own more money than i can wrap my mind around. i love looking at them. so anyways here are some pics.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

picnik N makeup





weird thing. i dont really see a difference in photos. i need to learn how to wear makeup apparently. i just used primer, half baked, dark horse, smog, and gobs o eyeliner & mascara, then foundation & blush & bronzer....and um. its not that big of a dif. bleh. so im going to rockslide with my friend J, her husband C and our friend M. M lives in New Mexico so we're going to see a band at RS. no biggie. nothing neat going on today. just playing in make up and going through clothes to see what i can pack for OR!! 12 more friggin daysss. thats my one thing i cannot WAIIITT to do is see Limer. anyways. happy saturday-xo

Friday, September 2, 2011

10.yrs & different





10 years ago I was graduated from high school living, with michelle & driving like a 1984 tempo with a hole in the muffler. i was wearing skirts, no makeup and hair was down to my butt. i had no clue that just a few weeks from this day 10 years ago,  i would meet my first heartbreak, wear my first pants, smoke my first joint, and take my first underage shot. beginning the rest of my adult life completely different from how i was raised. i raised eyebrows across the church with my outgoing, in your face behavior. i am not a bad person. i just dont know how to live a double life so why would i lie about the way i was living. Nov i dated Nate. he was a chef who had graduated culinary school in South Carolina. he was super cute and was a bad boy. he taught me to take a hit off a one hitter joint, introduced me to nickelback, cigaretts, and vodka. after a few months of dating we broke up but i was already into my partying phase and life was now about shopping & partying. i had 2 jobs to support my lifestyle and my mom was IMPRESSED. let me tell you. working 2 jobs and partying i became huuuuge in dayton as far as knowing people. i know so many people there its ridiculous. anyways, i wasnt a fan of pot. i smoked camels because it was cool while drinking. i separated from my friends in the church i grew up in because they were all 18, going to churcch, preparing to marry their high school boyfriends and be house wives or preacher's wives....i just wanted away. i wanted to make friends with people who didnt grow up with me and accepted me for who i was. now i am friends still with the people i went to preschool on through high school with, we will always remain best friends. we live entirely different lives than what we thought we would have growing up. but we remain connected and inspire each other. we have had crazy lives. im sure my friends will all tell you, old friends and new friends alike that my life has been crazy. it has been enviable. i have had amazing adventures and met awesome people. ive met douchers but what would life be like without those insane moments and people to remind you how good your life really is. i cant believe 10 years has passed since the summer after my graduation. so much dumb stuff Heartbreak, Navy, TX, AR, Hurricane Katrina, Cassie's Wedding, My marriage, Gavin born, Deployment, Savanah's Birth, move to CO, Natalie's Wedding, my divorce....alottt! these next 10 years will be better. i know myself now.