live to love...



Wednesday, March 30, 2011

jaeg.

so he fixed me and turned me blonde. now i am going out. going out to say goodbye to Mandy. fml. i am so frustrated with myself. i know exactly what i am doing but i cannot deal with these goddamned feelings so i am going to try to drink the pain away. goodbye heartache. hello jaegger.

fucktard.

i have a drinking problem. i am doing okay in school, im hanging out with my friends. but i want things to be normal with him again. what. the. hell. i hate feelings i fucking hate them. i hope he gets fixed before i spin out of control and have no problem being with another person. i miss him.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

ovaa

so yesterday. so over it. i dont give a fuck. just kidding. my heart hurts, mt head hurts. my eyes hurt from crying and im mad at myself. i tried to hold back while asking him if he would leave if: blah blah blah. everytime he said he wouldnt leave i fell more. then one day i fell all the way and thats when he said ok youre right. i cant do it. fucking bastard ass dick. why. why did you wait until my heart beats for you and i cannot ever imagine kissing anyone else again before you think that maybe its too much. you dont deserve me. i may be too good for you and you may think im totally being dramatic. fuck you. you hurt me. and i would rather take physical punches that are easy to walk away from than the kind that scar your heart forever. and ever. meep. thanks for leaving that fucktard message jenna.

my blonde story.

this is the cutest tan and blonde me type girl and i wanted her hair.


then this happened.



so now im screaming. i just wanted to be hot.


fuck.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

o my drunk.

not only did i drink myself into oblivion beginning at qpam but i tried sleeping with someone and thenwhen it came naked time i freaked out crying about still loving fb and how i am not ready to do there. wtf. and then. i told fb. stew.pid. i hate myself. i hate that i had feelings and i hate myself for telling him about them....hate.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

this hurts me more than it hurts you

so i tried to sleep with someone else but i couldnt ....im not slut enough

Sunday, March 20, 2011

bipolar much??

so now im wondering if i should leave my heart open. is this for real? am i in love....still? grr i hate this stupidity.

dont settle

one of the hardest things is to let it go and not chase him. if hes the one he will come find me. but if not i dont want to make him mine and settle when there is a better match out there for me. i hate feelings

Friday, March 18, 2011

raw truth.

i am so alone. i am not afraid of it. i love being in complete control. i seen pictures to day of a guy i dated. he got married and the way he looked at his wife at their wedding was TRUE LOVE. shes having a baby today. i am happy for them but it did hit me... did i rush into marriage with derrick and completely miss someone who could have been the "one"? im devestated today. in all reality. i want to walk down an aisle and have the man im going to marry be in awe of me. i want to come home and have someone be so excited to see me. i want to go out to eat and laugh about the people around us. i want to be able to drink and pass out and someone take care of me and put me in my pajamas and tuck me in. (is that a bit of a drunkards fantasy?) i want to go to the mall and say i want panties or shoes and someone to pull me into the store to have me get them. i want to be treated the way i have treated every guy i have ever been with...today i am sad.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

.hate.

i hate this stupid waiting game or whatever it is. once again. waiting on him. i wanted to just get over him but then he says he wants to talk. then he doesnt freaking call me....i dont know if hes working and cant or if hes over it. WTF>?

Sunday, March 13, 2011

one for the books.

i got dressed up Saturday night and it was one for the books. Serrr.iously. muchos sex pot.  I wore a gray dress that was off the shoulder. Smokin gray stilletos. straightened my hair and did my makeup. then I went to TX RD HS with a friend from Moab who is also in one of my classes. cute kid. buttttt he's not my type. Just fun guy that ive known awhile and so we went to a party with other friends and played beer pong. "I" played margerita pong. and got shiiityyy. lets see. here are the texts to my beautiful ex fb.
Me: Zika
Him: whats up
ME: im playing beer pong. wana come play.
Him: Im going to bed
Me: K well goodnight. if i make you mad tell me. its just..i miss my friend boy immensly and i will never have another friendboy.


WTF JENNA. no drunk texts geez. terribleness. i hate myself when I get drunk. but so anyways i got a 68 on my psychology test. go me. (sarcasm) and then A on my presentation and A (92) on my POM class....math i have no clue because they dont freaking post my grades hardly ever, i hate my math teacher. mandys got like 20 days left of work thank the LAWWDD. i am so over her. and then theressss the fb. i DO MISS HIM and I DONT want to chase him. but apparently that means no more drinking. so. i have a new thing going on too. its my biggest secret yet. i'll never tell. its SERIOUSLY between me and one other person its our neat secret. love secrets. anyways its such a surprise and its fun so i will see what the heck happens here. just call me satans mistress i guess. i think im going to hell.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Beers

Hello. Im. Drinking. And I miss the friend boy. He said good night sweetie and I became instantaneously in a better mood. Im totally going to party this weekend. Pictures will be there. Hells yeah. Also going to Moab next weekend. Love my life. Just want him by my side. So we will see how it works...if he can deal with 8 weeks of my ass studying then this summer will be one for the books. Hope he comes around. He's the beat to my heart

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

insanity. 03/03/11

i am going to go ahead and acknowledge that I am being far too emotional and basing decisions off of my emotions. i am not thinking with a clear head. however. there is a small little voice in my head that keeps warning me not to justify every action i am unpleased with. last time things didnt end up so well. but i (xoxo) immensly this friend boy and i know he works alot and cannot even be expected to just drop everything all the time to be with me when he isnt working. BUTTTT. >but. i am taking me a xanax whenever I have my melt downs about him not caring about me and remembering that i am freshly divorced and extra needy. shouldnt be in a relationship anyways. he pretty much just "happened". and i hate having feelings. blows. so he knows my heart is open to him and so i will live my life and when he wants to be a part of my life i will allow him to be. i just cant take crap or let someone walk all over me. ya know. part of me wonders if hes getting bored or scared or both. we. will. see. I HATE FEELINGS.

shhh

on one hand im sad. i want to curl up in bed and listen to the wind whistle through my swamp cooler and remember all of the times he kissed me, held my hand, touched my face, or just smiled with his gorgeous eyes. i want to remember the crazy sexy nights with our songs playing....him rubbing my back or my tummy and playing with my hair or my fingernails. then on the other i feel like there is no reason to be sad because it's not the end. is this dillusion or optimism? is it because my intuituion is whispering to me to let him be and he will come around? he wants to talk. thats for sure. i just want to be happy with him again. feeling his hug and being the reason he's smiling.

Monday, March 7, 2011

break uppp..

so. after two weird weeks. the friend boy and i hugn out and after an ackward day of snowboarding and a night where i didnt stay. ( because he went to bed due to being grmpy and gassyyyy....) (oh and i stayed on the couch watching tv thingking he was reliveing his gassy self in the bathroom...)i felt like we were done. i criiiiiiied. o i cried. i love my friend boy. and so the next day i hear nothing. then i text him that im going to come by and get all my liquor... l response blah blah blah.. i text the roomie and theh friend boy texts... he says that thats fine and i should bring his sweatpants that i wore home and so i ask him if  this is the break up and he said he didnt want to do this over the phone. i cried some moreessss and then i put on my backless sweater, straightened my hair, put on my jeggins and my bad ass thigh high boots and went over to do it face to face. um. he left. so i broke up with the dog. and the roommate. they were crushed. like seriously.. they had no idea. the dog especially. poor thing. anyways so i told roomie that we had broken up and he was way confused and said goodbye. then fb and i conversed over texting and i told him how i felt and that if he could figure it out soon i would be there but i cant promise i will wait for him. and then he kept texting me. was i mad....no. was i drinking...no. well i wsant then i found coronas. and long island. aaaand patrone. and here i am! but then i had a voicemail and its HIM saying, hey sugar, im on my way home now call me because my phones about to die. WTF? so im so confused. im good. way good. like im not burning a break up cd or planning on visiting his job so i guess im not a psycho ex. im not sure what classifies one as such but im not going to be one. im just DEVESTATED that this wonderful boy is so fucked in the head he cant deal with normalcy. or me. bleh. uhm. and im not the norm normal but im not a bad girl friend i dont think. all my other exes have called and sent their regrets to me. so. who knows. all i know is my heart was bleeding from the ex husband but was returning to normal. and then after friend boy...i need stictches and staples. it hurts. muchos grande. i hope i get over this. he was so wonderful all the good times replay in my head and i grind my teeth and shut my eyes and dont cry dont cry dont cry. i love him. ugh. if its over. its over. i actually will be fine. im always fine.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

ew.

after a rough 2 weeks of friend boy working and us not being able to hang out. after 2 HARD weeks at work and school. AND dumb ex drama. i finally. had a normal (somewhat) night. i mean i hung out and watched part a movie then went to bed but we did converse about feelings (gag) and why i ost my mind last week. i told him that i dont like how when i go to the store and see something that reminds me of him i buy it but he does nothing to show me how he feels. i told him that i think about him and cant wait to see him and it seems as if i am the last thing on his mind. then i said its like he doesnt have a heart. WTF JENNA!?! yeah and he says its not the first time hes heard that. wonnnnderful. now i sound like the last psycho bitch..whoeveer SHE is. ugh. anyways. i am so in love with him i am DREAMING hes telling me he loves me and waking up and trying to figure out if i dreamed it or he really said it. i hate that word. it means heartache is on its way.