live to love...



Monday, September 26, 2011

so weird/happy

i dont know whats going on but people sure are making it easier to leave. my closest friend has drifted away from me because she is working a different schedule and planning her wedding that is coming up soon. however her friend that she wanted me to hang out with turned out to just constantly want to sleep with me and so i cut him off and then she didnt understand why i avoid going over when hes around. now shes just told me that shes not inviting me to anything since i ditch out. she doesnt understand that i had ALOT of responsibilities with VS and that even my days off i am still there or on the phone. she doesnt understand that i adore the heck out of Limer and i will not be putting myself in positions that could ruin anything with him. its not that i cant control myself when i drink but i feel like i am growing up alot. i went through the divorce school changes with friend boy changes with my job and after a DUI well actually a DWAI i just want to focus on work. me. and being the best person i can be. i am not cutting her out. i have tried to do lunch, dinner, bbq. have her come over but its always on her terms. it makes me sad. I dont think im a terrible person or friend but I definately am watching what I do because I am trying to focus on getting the fuck out of this town. when i flew back in from OR. i landed in my ex husbands small home town. the place where his friends and their wives constantly come to my job and tell me whats going on or ask how im doing to run back to him....i have no family. none. and i think i have proved to myself (who is the most important person to prove anything to) that yes, I am strong. i can make it alone. however. with my niece and nephew at such a young age and another nephew on the way, I would like to be able to go home for a few months and be with my family. my mom isnt getting younger. neither is my dad. i have friends and family in Ohio and i would like to go home for 6 months to a year. that is all. first off, if things with Limer and me progress who knows what could happen. i am totally not opposed to moving. at all. but I need to reconnect with my family. I am in a very good place mentally. i am supposed to start seeing a therapist but due to work I am not sure when I can begin this process...i am more than willing though. self preservation. i want to someday be able to be in a commited relationship. POSSIBLY have children of my own if my body allows. its kind of like, whatever happens happens, im not opposed to marriage & kids but if it doesnt happen thats okay too=]

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