live to love...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

what the fuck

i cant sleep i am having anxiety. i just realized ex husbands bday is today. i dont care but i remembered getting yelled at for driving too close to the curb or why did i turn then i should have waited or i should have gone. i remember getting chased around the island in my kitchen with him holding a knife and screaming at him to snap out of it he was going to kill me. its been 11 months since i left and everything is beginning to go back to normal. Kind. Of. apparently something snapped in my subconcious. i went to my private diary blog and seen the list i made for mama in order for her to realize WHY i was leaving him. i think i need therapy. not for him, but to heal my mind. i am so traumatized. i talked with my roommate a bit about it and he was appalled at the things "he" put me through. he said i could probably have had him thrown in jail. . . why didnt i DO THAT!! OMG i am so freaking sickened right now at the awful memories of some of the shit he did to me. its like. nothing you would imagine. thats how sick and awful it was. anyways. i told roomie that i really like GLime and i would never ever tell him what happened because its so fucked up and he said i should talk to a professional to get things off my chest. i told him that i dont want to ever feel any type of emotion. not disdain, or hate....anything. he is not worth any. type. of reaction. he agreed. im going to pray now and ask God to erase my memory and to heal me and help me get through it. i want to be done. done done done. anyways. anxiety is gone now. wish that i COULD talk to Limer about some of this...just to help, but we are NOT at all in any position to discuss this and i dont want him to ever have any ex drama with me. i just want him to remain unjaded/untainted and to be my extremely delicious Limer who is seperate from the bad parts of my past. he's like rain in the desert. . . amaazing. <3. so good night. xo.

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