live to love...



Monday, October 31, 2011

i just. miss. him.





ever since I have come home from OR, there has been stuff. i was sick, I had court, I have worked, I went to a conference in Denver, I had two floor sets, I am now on the third, I have been interviewing and he has had ex wife drama, surgery, and then I found out I wasnt going to go to OR for my vaca. and I cried. I freaking was pissed off and angry. Now. today I am sad. my Papaw Cloyes died. Im more worried about my dad and aunts and uncle and also my other Pawpaw Gillis. if anything happens to him I dont know what I will do. hes like my dad. My mom depends on him so much that I think she would lose it. I also have something else thats been bothering me for 3 weeks but I cant talk about it. I cant wait to leave. I have so much going on in my life and decision and things....that I wish Limer and myself were able to just be NORMAL. fuck. i wana be NORMAL. im beginning to crack the fuck up. I want to either live there and work on it or fucking be done. im so aggrevated. he sent me a picture of him and his daughter and I just died. i miss him. i havent seen him in almost 2 months and i know we can make it because we obviously are, but i just adore him and I want to be around him. is it fucking WRONG:? is ITTTTT!?!??

Sunday, October 23, 2011

you know how...?

you know how :
when you take a walk alone and notice nature and put life out of your mind and just enjoy yourself its super rewarding?






you get goosebumps from a memory?



ice cream makes most girls feel better??? ---> i'll take a gelatin or a sorbet.



girl time just makes everything better, even watching dumb chick flicks and dancing around or painting toenails in your panties or even playing in makeup and jewelry....??




sometimes sweatpant day with the boy is the best. you do NOTHING, watch tv, play cards, order take out...shower, cuddle. yums





when life may be crazy but you just know you're doing the right thing in every thing?



when the future seems scary and unknown but you go for it?



friends, and boys come and go but sisters are forever??? its true. im telling you.



 you meet the perfect match and theres a bazillion hours and states between you>? yeah. that.

Friday, October 21, 2011

feeling.....i dont want to feel.










gotta slam the brakes on. just realized i have feelings. time to throw my heart in the freezer for awhile, calm down, and remember what heartache feels like.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

i cant breathe

o man o man. I am sooo sad. I know its not his fault but i am so sad. i didnt know how much seeing Limer meant until i found out we cant meet up until January. O my gosh it hurts. I sat down and tried to be happy to see my family and thought about my niece and nephew but i just laid my head down and threw my arms across my face and felt myself just hurt all over. I already have had a headache for over a week now but this hurt so i couldnt breathe. i dont feel like I will never see him again. i feel like we're in each others lives for a really really long time. i just feel like we are right. but things have to occur naturally and not forced and if he were to force my visit to have happened and then his kids or work or his life became more hectic we would never see each other again. so i truly believe we will just go through this. its 50/50. completely. i know that theres chemistry, and a connection, and a mutual attraction. i know this. i just hope that its all enough to keep us connected for two more months. i dont see why not. we went July5-Sept15 now Sept18-????January 31 is my cut off. otherwise im flying out to see him and he will just have to have me tag along to see whats next. i miss my Limer Miss him so so bad=[

Sunday, October 16, 2011

neat.o dream.o.

so i told Limer about the ol accident. NEATO.  i didnt want him thinking I  am an attention whore or money bag grabber. so. now he knows blah blah blah. i told him i need to know if I am coming to see him or going to Ohio 11/3. he said i will know by Tuesday October 18 because he knows i like to plan....whaaa? like to plan?? i wish i had known like 4 weeks ago to plan not 2 weeks before the ticket is bought....Lawdy. any how. so A & S have their daddy in full on post surgery and im crying about seeing him. im so selfish and gross. Wana hear something weird??? 3 weeks ago i dreamt that i was home with my dad and natalie him and cassie were helping me pack to Oregon. 2 days later a girl i work with came into work and said, i had a dream you were with your family and you were soooo happy swinging around in a tree and said I am going to be a step mom....im moving to OREGON!!!! and then last night. i had a dream that Limer me his kids and another kid were in a car going to dinner with his brother and his wife and i had a black diamond engagement ring on......wtf does it all meaaaannnnnnn

Friday, October 14, 2011

let it burn

my eyes sting and my heart breaks but sings. i feel single but taken. i feel complete. i feel happy. this is the first time i feel confident and not stressed. i know i no longer need validation to feel happy or that i mean a lot to someone. he went to surgery Mon. after a week of him having b. mama drama and pre surgery worries, we go to the following week with my newest most important floor set, his surgery, post surgery. and i feel fantastic. he doesnt text me. o well. hes fucking busy. i feel free. i dont stress that he doesnt "like me or care anymore". i feel....like its whatever. hes busy sleeping or medicating or watching his kids. i dont get all crazy and over think. then i think and i am so happy. this is what confidence feels like. this is what being yourself and not worrying feels like. im almost to the EXACT day i left the ex husband one year ago and i look where im at. how far ive come and what all i have accomplished and im fucking impressed. so happy. if you dont know me. probably no big deal. if you DO know me and you have seen this last year, its huge. my self esteem, job, schooling, finances, self worth, happiness, spiritual life....everything has grown. no doubt ive gone through some SUPER low lows., but you know what, the UPS outweigh the downs and im super impressed. AND AND AND. ive quit smoking. boo-yahh!!!=}

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

the foulest.

i am in SUCH a foul mood today. my one roommate is moving to Denver soon. yay.  another friend of mine just is blowing me off. because i think that shes bonding with my ex and its fine but theres now a conflict of interest in our friendship. i went to court today for my DWAI again...this time with the attorney. but court just puts me in a foul mood. its with gross people. low lifes. criminals. and im just over this town and the people and the way things are around here. im just over it. trying to stay positive. soon i am moving. i think maybe, because I know theres a light at the end of the tunnel i am just rushing it to be done. anyways. so i took like a 2.5 mile walk today and cleared my head and prayed.....this is going to be a trying 3 monnths. im trying to get ready for the holidays. SOOO then LIMER has his surgery....and we havent really talked for like 3 days since i worked and he was in recovery. im so so sad for him i hope he heals. i wana see him SOSO bad. going to OR or OH Nov 3rd-Nov6th...cant wait!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

o fecckkk

o man. first off....didnt even get an email about THIS new set up. threw me for a loop lol. soo. this last week was just crazy. work off work off denver off then work work work work work OBNOXIOUS hours. but. im glad. whatever i can do to stay busy until Jan. October is SUUUCH a hard month for me!! so i came home from work and i am off the next two days. hello therapy and a hike. just watched Jeff Ross' standup and Bill Burr..? i think on net flix. i love it. im going to the next comedy show that comes in town. miss the Funny Bone in ohio. miss my family and i REALLLLY miss my niece and nephew. ive been talking to them alot lately. they are growing uppp!! 4 weeks is vaca. either going to see Limer or fam. dont really care who...just ready to GO. ps: its starting...i can feel it and im dreading it. this is about the time heart ache sets in. im kinda scared.

Friday, October 7, 2011

cry.cry.cry.

Before my marriage I cried over everything. During my marriage I cried only when I couldn't take anymore because he would yell at me and tell me to stop being a baby...stop crying blah blah blah...when I left him I rarely cried. It just was like I couldn't release and cry or I would get in trouble so I've held a lot in....after Limer and I began talking I've not cried but a few times. And one was a work deal and the other was court. I rarely cry anymore....but. the night I packed to come home my eyes filled with tears and spilled over because I didn't want it to end. Nest I see Limer and leave I can just know that I'm going to bawwwllll. So I'm working on it. No cry:)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

the j.o.b.

I learned a lot today. About my other managers in the districe and how to communicate effectively to customers and associates. It was amazing to have such a tight knit group of victoria secret girls together and make new friends. I'm super excited about Holiday....on the other hand with Limer. I am so happy and he makes me happy and I'm sooo glad to have met him and to also feel a strong connection with him. I'm so weirded out because how do you carry on a normal relationship under such abnormal circumstances...I feel like we do a good job but this week has been a bit testy. There are things beyond our control that are going on and I want to be supportive but I don't know how to show my support or understanding when I am so far away. I just am super confident in our relationship wherever it stands, I am being uber faithful....I havemt really established a title but I feel we are mature enough that we know we want to continue this and it goes without saying. I cannot wait to see him again and hopefully...it will be soon. I miss him "like whoa"

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

therapy

few things i learned today.
**i drink because others are
**i drink if im in an uncomfortable place (meeting new people or in an unfamiliar place)
**i drink to enhance a good time


i do not roll out of bed and crack open beer or liquor and start my day. i have on VACATION but i do not just think i need it to make my day better. phew.


i do not drink JUST because others are i have gone to peoples home or at my own and not drank anything because I didnt want to or because i knew the next day I had to work and I didnt want to be irresponsible


I do not drink certain liquors because I know they affect me in a negative way (blackout/passout/sick)


I do though....need to set limits and boundaries. just because I am at a football game and have no responsibilities that day or the next doesnt mean drink until i can no longer hold a can or hold myself up. I need to be more accountable, pace myself to ensure others arent having to deal with a sloppy drunk.



these are the things i learned. I have made leaps and bounds since my divorce. the month of March was a really. emotional and financial. and just astressful month, the beginning of summer and i drank too much from March on my spring break at school until June 2nd when i had my blackout Moab incident. then i became worried so i pulled the plug on Jaegger. I will do shots in moderation and i am SURE that I am going to slip up here and there but im starting somewhere....

Monday, October 3, 2011

i digress.

so i took vacation November 3rd- 6th. maybe going to see Limer...i want to. also. the stupidest person i have EVER in my life had to work with pissed me off to great lengths last week and i said NOTHING because im tired of it seeming as if i am picking on them. i had to say nothing. every other employee went to my boss and talked to her apparently so when i was asked i just validated the info and said how i resolved the issue. my mom has always said, that you give someone rope and they either climb to the top or hang themselves. i dont care which direction this girl goes but i dont want to get thrown under the bus by her, carry her work load, or deal with her stupid decisions and since I am unable to fire her i am praying that she figures it out or leaves. when an employee makes me hate them, the line has been more than crossed and i will never ever be able to work with them again. ever. she pisses me off. so bad. omg. anyways. so hope i get to see Limer, im losing friends left & right due to my new drinking habits and the fact that i am trying to better myself and due to my job. oh well. good friends can be counted on one hand. i am grateful for the few i do have. anyways. nothing to talk about -ciao

Sunday, October 2, 2011

bullshit

so when friend boy used to call and ask me to come over to talk or hold me and play games. he was with his now girlfriend. he asked me not to talk about it ever. im cutting off all contact. i cannot be friends with someone who is a liar and a cheat. i just cant. i mean i slept with him. i loved him. i went over sometimes knowing he didnt want to commit but any time spent with him was me being happy...at the time. and now he is still with the girl and i just found out that hes been with her since we initially broke up. what. an. ass. she thinks hes this amazing guy and she has no idea that he called me over and held my hand and would take me on dates KNOWING that he was stringing me along. KNOWING that he had a girlfriend. i HATE him for using me in that way. i would NEVER tell her unless for some reason she found me and asked but....what. a. load. of bullshit. bleh. thank GAWDDD im over him and i have moved on, found myself, and have met Limer. geez. Friend Boy was a baaaad move and a bullet dodged.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

sicko words.

these are words i dont like.
i spell them or thesauraus the hell out of it but i dont like these words...add your own.
*pimple-ew
*feet/foot-im weird about feet
*fart-word makes me shudder
*poop- i will spell this word
*zit-same as p.i.m.p.l.e.
*seep
*ooze
*moist-universally hated.
*crotch
*secrete
*barf
*turd
*thrust-it sounds so dirty
*scrotum-need i explain?
*chlamydia
*gonnorhea
*diarrhea
*slurp-eek.
*discharge-self explanatory
*yeast (even if youre speaking of bread....its been abused to the point i think of something else. )
*twat--->sii.ck.
*puberty
*pube/pubic/puberty....lets stay with adolescent. please.
*stinky
*damp. okay. . . the towel is damp. is fine. using *damp* as a sex word....creepy
*jack off/jerk off. -action verb---> NOT OKAY
*placenta
*afterbirth