Tuesday, November 29, 2011
its 11:11 and i wish that by tomorrow i know if im to see Limer again. i have to have some validation or closure. i dont want to not be in his life.....but i bet you i know that its over.....i feel it. i can feel it being done. and that Jan when i move home my NEW life starts over....im just not ready. i have sent EVERY DAY since July 5th a song...and its a different song to Limer and one to three images of either kissng or "i miss you" or limes, or something thats relevant to our relationship to him via email EVERY DAY. every day. and at least 4 times a week a pic of me. since JULY 5th! insanity! a hard habit to break. i miss him already. we will see. ball is in his court now. so so so so so so sad.....
Monday, November 28, 2011
today has been me lounging around in my socks panties and hoodie. cleaning sometimes, doing laundry sometimes....texting, and then eating cereal from a cup. because i WANT to. ive watched Limitless and now Welcome to the Rileys. super Indie film. i hold my hands out in front of me to look at my nails and im so happy because i have more fingers than weeks until i move. everything is crazy at work. i am at a heightened level of pissed off with one of my employees and her complete classless act, i want to kick her ass and i just might. . . . she brings out the WORST in me .grr. christmas is coming. freaks me out. i am going to get G&S some presents and mail them off this week, then mail home a ton of my stuff.....Juliet wants to buy my car so im selling it before i leave and flying home. this is my life. this is what im supposed to do. maybe one day someone will make an Indie film about me....
Friday, November 25, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
on finding nemo, there is a fish in the tanks that just looooves the treasure chest that opens and emmits bubbles.....thats how i felt today when Limer called me. there was zero point to the conversation. just everything i feel for him came in a huge wave all over me again by hearing his voice. he laughs and he riles me up and then he compliments me and he made me warm when i was in the cold. my cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.....i miss him so hard. today at work i thought, "im not settling, but if he is in my life as texts forever but we at least establish that, then i will be happy.n when i hear a song and i run back to see name of song and artist and text him....its because it reminds me of him. when i take photos of myself to send him its because i want him to see me how i am every day. no makeup ....lotsa make up...dressed up, pjs...whateveer
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
he finally cracked. Friday he promised to call me and he didnt. Friday i cried and deleted his number and everything because i was on my GIRL TIME which intensified how pissed i was. all day sat and most of sunday i was livid. so he finally texted me a picture of the kids and i flewwwww off the handle. i just think that if we are long distance then a FUCKING phonecall isnt that hard ONCE A WEEK. anyways. this is our first argument. i believe what he says in my heart but in my mind i am keeping him at an arms length. lotsa proving. Jan 19th is our deadline. if i am not planning a visit soon for that day then im going to flip out. its time we see each other. i meannnn by then it will have been 4 months EXACTLY. and i am super needy in certain ways. i need affection and i need to feel like I am the reason he is living. even if its just a card or a text. im pretty easy on my needy. anyways. im super stoked that he did text me. that means...SOMETHING??? yeah? bleh.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Door Mat no longer. I left Derrick and dated Zika for a little while and then i found Limer and its been Limer Limer Limer. i visited and its been great but the phone calls slowed down and the emails stopped and the texting REEEALLLLYYY slowed down. fuck being in a fantasy relationship. so we had fun. so hes a good guy over the phone and when i say it out loud. NOT fun to be sad about the holidays or just turning guys down left & fucking RIGHT to be faithful to a fucking voiceon the phone with no explicit boundaries. none. im so over this. i miss being held and loved and made to feel like I am important and worth something. I at LEAST once a month have sent him SOMETHING to scream i care about you and that you're a dad and you mean alot and i want to someday live near you and see if we can work. but i get nothing back. im not worth a fucking PHONECALL>>>>? the bye. God has someone in mind for me. I am too nice and too giving and a fun girl. i dont deserve to be ignored. and it hurts. o. so . bad but i would rather just be done and meet someone for me than let them pass me by because I am living in a FUCKING FANTASY. uuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhh. im so sad/mad.
Monday, November 7, 2011
my entire life is going in a new direction. Since the very end of October it shifted. I now am really excited for a completely fresh new start in January. im hoping the decisions i made now for my future are the right ones. I guess whatever happens happens .no need to over think it. Just wish I had a positively for sure date set aside for the next time I would see Limer. i am disconnected from him and i really dont like that. at the same time I am still living my life and planning for my uncertain future. I am sad so sad about spending the holidays away from my family but there is so much strength and positive people that i still have in GJ that i am confident this will be a memorable holiday while pushing me along to greater future holidays. You can always find the bright in the dark....i am finding it and living in it.