live to love...



Saturday, February 4, 2012

i love you.

we said it. it was sooooo weird. Jan 10 G & i took the dogs out for a hike and to run them since they have been cooped up all winter. while we were walking i didnt talk for the 3 miles I just thought. I am so happy here at home, I have my family, and G, and I am happy. He is a mix of everything good I have found in so may different guys I have dated that hes perfect to me. He is overly clean (A+), He is a hottie yum yum (yay), he is patient and sweet and he takes care of me. Ive never wanted someone to completely take care of me but he certainly does. Anyways, i realized on my walk that i could see me with him forever and actually be happy an simple just having kids and living a calm normal life. So that feeling began to grow with my happiness, and then on his sisters birthday after a few drinks we went to sleep and when i woke up i asked him to wake up and look at me. he looked and i asked him if he understood what i was saying and would her remember it and he said yeah why whats up and i said, I love you. I just dont want to talk about it but I love you. and he said Ive been holding back telling you that for a while now and he held my head on his chest and rubbed my back until i fell asleep. it was so very sweet. i am very happy and i feel very secure in this relationship. he's a true Godsend.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

finding me

Eli will be a month old Friday. I cannot believe it! I have lived here now for 6 weeks. I have gone on 2 interviews and I have sent out more than 100 resumes. Every day I am applying for jobs. Its so hard. I fl ew here six weeks ago after selling my car, quitting my job, and leaving over 6 boxes of my personal belongings. I flew here with THREE suitcases and I am waiting for my income tax return to send for them. I have been on an emotional roller coaster because I am fighting being selfish. I miss my tan, nails, hair cuts, new clothes, my independence...however I am seriously a step away from being at a convent. I have NOTHING. I have the few clothes which are all sweats except for my two pairs of jeans that I wish I had brought more of. i have my room with a small dresser, tv, mirror, air mattress and a space heater. I have no money now and no paycheck. I am living off of the love and support of my family. They asked me to come and when I told them this would happen they said it was okay and thats what Ive done. I feel terrible. the bright spots are that I am so close to my sisters and mom that I am extremely happy to be home. I am with my nephews and niece. I have my boyfriend who has unconditional love for me and also goes to church. I am spiritually where I am supposed to be and nothing is better than peace of mind. Anything I get in my life from now on is solely by the grace of God and will be a testimony of Gods love and grace. I am so happy that this is where i am. the depression and anxiety are gone. I quit 17 days ago. i messed up and had 3 beers and felt bad and then saturday was Nickis birthday but i decide that I cant throw it all away, I just have to keep trying. I am far better off now than June when I slept with friend boys bestie just to piss him off. those days are behind me and I am beginning to be happy and find myself.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

new job needed=[

bleh. im so frustrated. i have been here now for 4 weeks and i do not have a job. i found one and was hired by the spa/salon manager of a country club. i went in for my first day and met the manager of the country club and he told my boss that she hired me without his consent...um. wtf. so im back to the grind. looking for a job. about to go to taco bell ha. saying prayers and sending resumes. gr.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

falling

i have a part of myself that is so attached to Limer. but hes given up=[ life with him would have been so amazing. i cannot go a day without missing him. i met Greg when i was 5 and he was 4. we lived across the street from each other until i turned 13 and moved away. so now im 28 and found him again and he is single. was in a relationship for 6 years, was engaged, and then he found God quit doing/dealing drugs and she didnt. they broke up in march 2011.we emailed & texted everyday. he came and picked me up from the airport and has spent every single day with me since I moved here except for the day before Eli was born. he visits my niece and nephews, my family loves him he loves my family. we go to church together. he's just a God send. today i finally said I would commit to him and only him and be his girlfriend. weird. i havent had a title on any relationship since my divorce. so weird. perhaps hes just another guy.....but until i find that out im going to be happy with my simple life.

Monday, January 9, 2012

news news.

so. i have gone through the holidays. i miss limer so so much. its just a heavy heavy feeling in my heart. i do not expect to move there or anything to come of it, but i miss him texting and playing and the conversations. i truly truly do.  but. so I moved home. i was able to spend Christmas with my family and then New Years. its been amazing. I also reconnected with someone and he's a keeper. my family adores him and i like him. Just after the relationships i have had in my past I am terrified. So THENNNNNN.   Natalie had her BABY!! back home has been amazing and im so happy i made this decision. -xo