live to love...

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

finding me

Eli will be a month old Friday. I cannot believe it! I have lived here now for 6 weeks. I have gone on 2 interviews and I have sent out more than 100 resumes. Every day I am applying for jobs. Its so hard. I fl ew here six weeks ago after selling my car, quitting my job, and leaving over 6 boxes of my personal belongings. I flew here with THREE suitcases and I am waiting for my income tax return to send for them. I have been on an emotional roller coaster because I am fighting being selfish. I miss my tan, nails, hair cuts, new clothes, my independence...however I am seriously a step away from being at a convent. I have NOTHING. I have the few clothes which are all sweats except for my two pairs of jeans that I wish I had brought more of. i have my room with a small dresser, tv, mirror, air mattress and a space heater. I have no money now and no paycheck. I am living off of the love and support of my family. They asked me to come and when I told them this would happen they said it was okay and thats what Ive done. I feel terrible. the bright spots are that I am so close to my sisters and mom that I am extremely happy to be home. I am with my nephews and niece. I have my boyfriend who has unconditional love for me and also goes to church. I am spiritually where I am supposed to be and nothing is better than peace of mind. Anything I get in my life from now on is solely by the grace of God and will be a testimony of Gods love and grace. I am so happy that this is where i am. the depression and anxiety are gone. I quit 17 days ago. i messed up and had 3 beers and felt bad and then saturday was Nickis birthday but i decide that I cant throw it all away, I just have to keep trying. I am far better off now than June when I slept with friend boys bestie just to piss him off. those days are behind me and I am beginning to be happy and find myself.

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