live to love...



Tuesday, December 28, 2010

how to feel powerfully moved

Reading this empowered me and moved me to become excited for this new year that's coming ahead. My resolution is to become more in touch with myself, learn myself, push boundaries, and to be spontatnious yet responsible.


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... Enough money within her control to move out... And rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... Something perfect to wear if her employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her Old Age...

A WOMEN SHOULD HAVE... A set of screwdriver's, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

...A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... One friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A good peice of furniture not previously owned by anyone in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... When to try harder... AND WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That she can't change the length of her calves, The width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That her childhood may not have been perfect... but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she would or wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to live alone... Even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Where to go... Be it to her best friend's kitchen table, or a charming inn in the woods... When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she can and can't accomplish in a day... A month... and a year...See More

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

confusion.frustration.


today i found out that i am approved for a car. the thing that aggrevates me is that i am supposed to trade in the envoy, put 500.00 down, and i feel that it's DERRICK's "d'S" responsibility since he made me sell my car when i didnt want to so that he could buy himself a truck. i BEGGED him not to because I wanted to divorce him in MAY and when i found out i could lose my only source of independence i went nutso. i was happy WITH the envoy because its OBViously nicer. and more grown up. the gas sucked though and the payments were 360.00 a month. bleh. now. after leaving Derrick and struggeling for 2 months im totally over it. i can afford the car but only if i want to eat ramen for the next 2 years. Soooo, i now have the opportunity to buy this new Mitzubishi Lancer...NTM anyways it is an '04. He should pay the 500.00. in my opinion, the 2,000.00 he got for my Kia should be returned but im not that much of a bitch. i hope i am being fair. i mean HE can afford to just give me 500.00. MLEEHHHHhhhh.

Friday, December 10, 2010

the [f.] word. family

i moved. i have stayed in my house one night. i just cannot bring myself to go there every night. it's okay though. i did this with Liz and after a month i realized that i was home and started to stay every night and then i moved. So.o.o.o. now I am figuring out my life. that's hard. i try not to put too much thought with it. i am a go with the flow type of person but i need to design some structure in my life and get MY hobbies and MY interests and be able to realize i no longer am living my life to please someone else. it's nice  amazing to know that I can be who i want to be and do what I want to do for me and not feel guilty about it. somedays i wake up and realize that I am home. in my heart right now I have found that this is where i belong. I am not sure why, but I am not ready to pack up and go back to my family. i love & miss them beyond words, but this is my time. this is the time where I am able to find myself and develop myself for my future.

If i fall in love, I want it to be because we are friends & cannot stand to live life without each other. I want them to love and accept me for who I am and I want that same thing. I dont want someone who I think I can change. I want someone who is just right for me, & I am just right for him. God knows. He knows me and my heart and someday he will make sure I have the family I always dreamed of but was afraid to have with my last relationship because I KNEW it was a fail.
moving on. i am starting school in January & i am so impressed that I am truly doing things on my own. i have THE BEST support system. my friends here have quickly become family and I am so blessed to have grounded, good, centered people in my life to make sure I dont end up in a bad place during this transition. God really placed these people in my life to surround me and shield me from making bad choices as I better my life through my job and school. without them i would end up drinking every night, making bad decisions, being with the wrong crowd, and going back home to figure it out once again. So I appreciate every soul here in CO that has taken to me and allowed me to come inside their circle of family and BELONG. i love everyone here so much & i am extremely grateful for God bringing me good people at a very important time of my life. enough mush. i have to get back to work.  -xxooxo

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

holiday. divorce. drinks. fml.

Thanksgiving was the first holiday I had to spend seperated and it wasnt even that bad. It was rough not being around my family, but I have friends here that totally made up for it. Next on the list is the old 4 year anniversary. WHYYY did i get married around christmas geez!?! So, because I am trying to stay away from alcohol unless I am at a party I need to come up with some interesting things to occupy my mind so that I dont end up an alcoholic...Sooo that takes me to my library card, school registration, window shopping, and writing. I am on hold on my book thanks to the divorce. grr. its locked up on "D's" computer and I havent been able to find the file to download it on my flashdrive. And i move sunday to my new house and I am going to have one last stab at downloading it. after that I wont have to see Derrick  "D" ever again except to meet me at the courthouse to pay his half of filing fee. I am sad to pieces that we cant stay friends but every day I realize how much happier I am being me, doing what I want to do, and pursuing my dreams of going to school for what "I" want to do. this is such an easy thing that it almost makes me wonder if I am not heartless. hmm. maybe i DONT have a heart. cool. now no one can break what I dont have. so. now I have to get through Dec 23 (anniversary), Dec 24 & 25, for obvious reasons. and then Im clear. Because NEW YEARS will be here. And i LOOOVE NYE. so -xo- cross your fingers.