live to love...



Sunday, February 27, 2011

i dont know

i dont know what i did. i was only trying to figure out where this friend boy relationship is going. with a full tim work and full time school schedule its hard to date. and i am falling apart when i feel that i am being put after everything else in his life. I wasnt being accusatory....or trying to be anyways. all i wanted was to tell him that hes free to live his life but i want to know where i fit in. hes certainly extremely important to me. i sent him a text after he went four wheeling for 5 hours and told me he was going to take a nap. all i wanted him to realize was that if it was going to be late when he woke up i couldnt come over because I work in the morning. i told him i felt as if he was pushing me away. this is proceeding an extremely emotional and fucked up week without him. what to do. now hes saying im complicating things and my stomach is in KNOTS. on the brighter side of things I received a 100 on my stupid dream analysis.

Friday, February 25, 2011

bleeding breaking

my heart and head hurt so bad. I am so full of pain and i dont know from what. Maybe I am confusing pain with PMS??? I freaked out this morning when I realized my period is late. Oh. EMM. Geee. took the pregnancy test. its negative (thank Gawdd). The reason i took the test at work is because Mandy pissed me off to the (A)point of punching her fresh brace face or (B)crying like a little bitch. So todays our meeting with LeeAnn where we decide that I need to be here exactly at 8am, not 8:07 and that Mandys still okay to work til whenever the fuck she feels like it. (by work I mean come in and research places to live and jobs in Kansas City where she still hasnt told out boss shes moving in March. ) Also I am taking off the Fridays that coincide with friend boy's weeks off so I can booze with him or just hang out and not come in the following day. Oh neat-o. Mandy just so happens to need it off because shes needing an IUD up her snatch. uhm, if you wont see the boy friend until May, why do you need it EXACTLY on my day off. bitch. anyways. after our meeting I had 3 voicemails on my work phone and Mandy felt that I cant do my job so she would do it for me. bitch. so now im walking around outside because I am going to slap-a-ho. So then my finance company for my car calls and says that they never received insurence when I bought the car and uh, WHAT? i have been paying the ex husband 75.00 a month since DECEMBER for insurance through Farmers. So I call them and they say he dropped me from the policy back in December. fucking great. and I had to pay 1300.00 for my health insurence because I was paying them and they turned me over to a bank and I have been sending my payments to RMHP but they apply my payments to THIS YEARS deductable not the one at the bank so the bank sold my account BACK to RMHP from last year and if I hadnt paid them the full amount they were dropping me. OH AND....seriously. I owe...well the ex and I owe the IRS 1900.00 for 2010 since D. earned over 53,000 last year and putting us into a new tax bracket for some reason we owed. fucking seriously. all of this. all of this and this is TODAY and its only 3pm. So I wanted to leave early but Mandy wants to go to the gym. fuckiiiiiiin. so she leaves. i pop a xanax and pray to God my head doesnt fall off. I just learned I have NO car insurance, my tags are due and I cant pay since I just moved to my own place and paid 200 for 1/2 feb at the old place. 1000.00 for Feb at the new place and I have to pay rent again because I dont get paid by the first plus i just paid like almost 3gs in bills.........fuck. so. i am calm. wildly calm. but what freaks me out. is that this too shall pass and through all of this chaos I just want. to see. the. friend. boy.

Friday, February 18, 2011

effff.

had to go see the ex, in order to get our taxes done. all i wanted was justin to talk to me and just have anything to say. i didnt care if it was hi, im hating my life right now. can you pick up my dogs shit on the side of the house, can you clean the dishes and then load the dishwasher....like anything he said would have comforted me during the drive from my apartment to H&R Block. THEN. to top it all friggin OFF...first thing the ex says is. "Hey Babe, you're getting thick....unless its just been awhile since I seen you and i forgot how pudgy you were." What. THE. EF!? now I have to sit there getting taxes done digging my nails into my fleshy fat skin searching for my hip bones and sucking in my double chin and wrapping my arms around me to feel the fat hanging all over my body in order to remember that he's right...nothing tastes as good as thin feels. i need back in control of my body. i need to stop eating for the stupid fun of it. yesterday. i wore the smalles pants and shirt i have to remind myself how my clothes no longer fit and to say no to food and yes to thin. i love/hate the feeling of anamia coming back in. i love how by summer there is the potential for me to have my ribs showing again. why am i so consumed with this fucking scale and size on my jeans? i cannot let my hipbones, collarbones and ribs hide anymore. holidays are over. time for thin to begin.