live to love...

Friday, April 29, 2011

how i feel currently.

I'm done trying. if you want me in your life you're gonna have to find a way to put me there. If you don't, that's me walking away.

“every girl wants to change a player, but the truth is,every player wants a girl worth the change.”

"im your number one, or gone."


i am so fucking angry. i keep putting myself in these situations with J but i dont know how to pull away. im frickin addicted to him. i am quitting drinking, and eating, and fb. all together. i will love on lettuce, cucumbers and coffee until i get to 130 and then im going to find me a new boy. i sure do love him with everything but im sure i can get over him. hes just a boy. and. he wont commit. and he "says" he isnt sleeping with anyone else but when i tell him that i will never speak to hium again if i find out otherwise he says, so as long as you dont find out?? fuck. this is the shit derrick would say. are all men alike? and he says he keeps coming back because we have amazing "S" together. well....thank you. thank you for wanting to be with my vagina. ass hole. so we were laying in bed and he says. i remember when i first met you . you were a i mean you've gained a couple pounds....and then he wants to know why im lying there in silence. FIRST OF ALL> i hate you for talking about my weight. it isnt like im oblivious to a whopping 20 lb weight gain since OCT. i apologize. obviously you are a self proclaimed chubby chaser and im the chubby. fucking brilliant. then i tell him how when D, EX and i were together that he would pinch my fat and tell me what i should eat and how much tiume did i spend in the gym and how obviously since then I did everything opposite so it had an effect. OBVIOUSLY a weight gain effect. ew. im so frustrated.  so im a fat slob who allows fb to walk all the fuck over me. ew.

Monday, April 25, 2011


its so crazy how the last thing i hear from dumb fb is how if i "hook up with someone he knows" while in moab to lose his number. wtf. i am not sure where he gets off telling me what i can and cannot do. ESPECIALLY when he is unable to commit to me and God knows what he is doing. frus.trat.ion. im so pissed. i am still mad. still. still. ugh. and I havent heard from him and I am so upset. i miss him i want to be with him but i want to get over him. i halfway wish he would be with someone else so i CAN move on. and then I am aggrevated because I dont want to feel that pain. I dont even know what to do. 50% of me is over it. truly truly done. im working on ME and MY future. I am thinking about moving back home. next summer if I have found a job in OH i am going back. i cant take living here and being surrounded by a ton of our mutual friends when we cannot move forward together.

Monday, April 11, 2011

changing. again. evolving.

no more: lil wayne, rihanna, nikki minaj. no more: missing the dog. no more missing him. no more: wishing he would change wishing he would call and tell me he misses me and its going to work. no more: waiting on my phone to ring. no more sleeping with my phone in my hand in case he calls. no more: drinking. forget. him. im moving so the "f" on. I met a Doctor. and we went out. and hes gorgeous funny and nice. who knows.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

bad feelings

i hate when i feel like something bad is going to happen. im so anxious and i dont know freaked outtt

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

wind knocked out of me

i just felt like someone punched me in the stomach and i feel like i could puuuuke. pewwk. ew. ew. ew. i just started trying to calm my heart down and fat tears tolled down my cheeks covered in bronzer and blush. i now have white streaks on my face and smeared eyeliner and makeup. the bottle of jaegger is for real calling my name. i want to roll into a baby armadillo ball until my degree is here, i have paid my car off and i wake up in a wonderful life. not that mine is terrible. i just am so confused that it hits me since i dont deal with my feelings. damn fucking feelings.

pics that make me lol.

Monday, April 4, 2011


today was the first day in a looong time that i went to work and thought about work...went to do homework and got it done. i didnt think of qyone today. neat


so this weekend :: SATURDAY, i was supposed to go out with juliet and her friend leslie, some people from school, kid, and it was supposed to be a banging time. well FRIDAY night. i went to a party at kid's brother's house and we all played quarters and got shitty. went to juliets for a bit then went back to jordans to watch a movie. i woke up with kid begging me to have sex with him. wtf? i already have told him i love to hang out with him but its as friends. i cannot be more than that. im just not over the fb. bleh. so then saturday we went to chilis with juliet, chuck, leslie, and then kids roommate. then went to rockslide where i met a ton of really good girls that i cannot wait to hang out with. =D but then SUNDAY

morning i woke up crying because i had dreamt this awful stuff about fb and that he died so i grabbed my boots and literally cried and sped all the way there to see if he was ok. i was crossing my fingers that he would even be there for me to check on him because if he were at work i would be freaked all day. so. i get there and his truck is there and i ring the doorbell....i hear Zeek bark and seen him walking to open the door and i ALMOST left then but i figured it was weird enough for me to be checkin on someone's alive status. he came to the door and i just wanted to hug him and kiss his face all over but i just told him i had dreamt a weird dream and was just checking on him. he invited me in but i was just like....ugh. no thanks. so i left. later that day juliet and her husband invited me for dinner and said fb would be there. so i went freaked out that i wouldnt be able to deal but i did....then i crossed the line

. but this time there were no tears. i think i literally am cried out. good stuff. if you dont have a heart, no one can break it. ciao.<3. xo. xo. xo.