live to love...



Monday, September 26, 2011

so weird/happy

i dont know whats going on but people sure are making it easier to leave. my closest friend has drifted away from me because she is working a different schedule and planning her wedding that is coming up soon. however her friend that she wanted me to hang out with turned out to just constantly want to sleep with me and so i cut him off and then she didnt understand why i avoid going over when hes around. now shes just told me that shes not inviting me to anything since i ditch out. she doesnt understand that i had ALOT of responsibilities with VS and that even my days off i am still there or on the phone. she doesnt understand that i adore the heck out of Limer and i will not be putting myself in positions that could ruin anything with him. its not that i cant control myself when i drink but i feel like i am growing up alot. i went through the divorce school changes with friend boy changes with my job and after a DUI well actually a DWAI i just want to focus on work. me. and being the best person i can be. i am not cutting her out. i have tried to do lunch, dinner, bbq. have her come over but its always on her terms. it makes me sad. I dont think im a terrible person or friend but I definately am watching what I do because I am trying to focus on getting the fuck out of this town. when i flew back in from OR. i landed in my ex husbands small home town. the place where his friends and their wives constantly come to my job and tell me whats going on or ask how im doing to run back to him....i have no family. none. and i think i have proved to myself (who is the most important person to prove anything to) that yes, I am strong. i can make it alone. however. with my niece and nephew at such a young age and another nephew on the way, I would like to be able to go home for a few months and be with my family. my mom isnt getting younger. neither is my dad. i have friends and family in Ohio and i would like to go home for 6 months to a year. that is all. first off, if things with Limer and me progress who knows what could happen. i am totally not opposed to moving. at all. but I need to reconnect with my family. I am in a very good place mentally. i am supposed to start seeing a therapist but due to work I am not sure when I can begin this process...i am more than willing though. self preservation. i want to someday be able to be in a commited relationship. POSSIBLY have children of my own if my body allows. its kind of like, whatever happens happens, im not opposed to marriage & kids but if it doesnt happen thats okay too=]

Friday, September 23, 2011

swear.

the moment i fall for someone, which is fine...im just SAYIN: every guy ive had a crush on or loiked is loike hey jennaaa....whats uppp! WTF! the rocker, the twin, the college boy, the EX friend boy. i cant wrap my mind around it. since 515pm today. ive received texts and visits at work from all the above. i said good day. you all had a chance. i met someone with substance. pce out as he would say

and on the third day it was good.

some things i wont tell. but i will say that when i woke up GLime was still asleep so i got into the shower it was around 630am. i just sat down and let the hot water run all over me and i was sad. because this was our last day, i sat there and replayed every moment in the last 48 hours and just began crossing my fingers while the shower ran hot on my skin and hoped that this was the first visit. not the only visit. i wiggled my toes and thought about how good we get along and how amazing he is and how great my visit was. he was so super attentive. he took good care to ensure i was having a good time and i just was sad and happy all at once. so after the shower i came into the room and he had left to get coffee. i went down with him to the breakfast area and got fruit and oatmeal and talked to my mom since she was on a trip with my aunt and sisters. after breakfast we went back to the room and he showered while i did hair/makeup clothes. okay so i was a wreck. i was about to meet his BROTHER & his wife. whattt. G & I went to get coffee and beer for the tailgate then met up with his brother. first of all. i was so nervous i was talking to freakinf talk and when we pulled into the shopping center for the coffee/booze i seen taekwando and said...whats take wondo? and then i covered my mouth and died laughing because i KNEW it was taekwondo and omg i felt so stUPID!! anyways so met his brother K & his wife J. they were way cool. we had 2 hours of driving to Eugene OR to hang out before the party. it was super interesting. so . this lovely amazing fun group of people and myself get to the parking area have some beers, go to the football game. it was sooo fuuun!! we were close to the field actually. i went to a brocos game and sat in nosebleeds so this was super fun. about second quarter J & I decided to go get beer, use the ladies room and buy Duck t shirts. the boys met us soon after and we had beers and nachos. well....i should have stopped there. im TELLING YOU. but nooo. i was comfortable and having fun. so we ended up leaving about 3rd quarter and driving....and i drank budlights in transit like an idiot. somehow. we ended up at a strip club. PAUSE. Oregon has state regulated alcohol so i THINK the strip club was the only place serving alcohol that G felt comfortable taking us drunks into that would serve us. while we were there the boys played video poker. J & I were at the bar hanging out and all of a sudden i noticed a freaking super old man in a lounging wheelchair with a blanket to his neck, no teeth passed out. AT>A>STRIPCLUB. WTF. so i called G over to look. we left soon after. well i have insomnia really bad. that plus stress means that before my trip i wasnt sleeping at all. so i was on day 3 night 2 of the trip with barely any sleep. i was drunk. we get to our room after dropping off K&J and i took off my uggs, my skirt, and layed down and slept for ab=n hour while dreaming/stressing about work. i woke up. D.I.L.U.S.I.O.N.A.L. I thought people were in the room that weren't. i thought things were happening that werent. and i was reacting & talking as if they were real. G. unimpressed. but he dealt with me. then i pulled shananigans with him and we got dressed and went to PF Changs for dinner and had a nice. dinner. loved it. then we went back i packed. fought with airlines to get a later flight that didnt work. so he sat on the couch in pjs watching 48 hours and i olayed down with my head in his lap and watched it. i was sooooo sad. he was better than i ever imagined. the next morning we left at 330am to the airport. i left. now im back in GJ. planning my future. i think he will always be in it whether friends....or more. but i hope more because...hes the Lime.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

a side note

so i have successfully quit smoking. ive limited drinking now to weekends and vacations. and i feel like i may still have work to do. i think im a binge drinker? im not a bad person but i think perhaps i have issues i dont deal with and they manifest when i drink and i do not want that. so i am going to see a counselor.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

goodbye beach hello portland

we woke up on friday and i walked on the beach and talked with my sister and let her listen to the waves. i had such an incredible view from our room and i loved it. he went and got us starbucks and then we drove back to Portland. we went to the dowtown area and walked around and looked at shops and stuff. i just wanted to take it all in. people, shops, the sites and smells. it was super nice. so then we went to a Mexican restraunt and had lunch. then kinkos for him to work on something then we went to this plaza and i went and got a spraytan while he worked on a few things from starbucks. i smelled. spray tan fresh. btw. so we go see a movie. "Drive" weird.good.gorey. but then after that we went to the hotel and i showered and picked to go to Macaroni Grill. num num. so we had a few drinks. then we went to a bowling alley and played shuffle board way wrong and didnt even know until another couple asked to play and then we seen how you're supposed to play. so after a bit we went back to the hotel and crossed the street and went to another restraunt and had a few more drinks. then when we went back to the hotel....i crossed the line. no regrets.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

magic.

so. i am going to tell you each day. how it happened. first of all im super happy. this was the best thing for me to have done since I left Derrick. this year has been stressful and very up & down. to meet someone in such an untraditional manner, meet them in person and have the time of my life. its just hands down an incredible experience. i think he is an awesome amazing guy and i truly truly hope things progress from here. So. first off i flew out at 530am. I get to Denver and I change my clothes and straighten my hair. Once i flew into Portland i went and put on makeup. i walked out wearing sandels a gray dress and a jean jacket. i was so super freaked! i walked to the baggage claim, and then texted him. when he walked up he was just beautiful. just like he looked in pictures but better. he bought me mad libs the game! (sweet) and he said that i had walked by but i had already passed by the time he thought it was me and that my hair didnt look red in the pics so he wasnt sure. THENNN okay so we drove to the coast and got coffee and played mad libs all the way there. Once there we walked around the boardwalk little coastal town. he took me to feed sea lions, and then we had lunch. we went to check into our hotel and it wasnt ready so we went to this little restaraunt and had a few blueberry/vodka drinks and then when the room was ready we showered and got dressed for dinner and went back to the same place. it sits right on the beach so it was beautiful and we had a good dinner and walked down the beach where there were a few bonfires but they were pretty small and intiment so we went

to the front desk and rented the movie Source Code. we held hands and kissed and talked and then we went to sleep. it was perfect.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

no no's on a first date

things that you shouldnt eat on a first date.

spaghetti (you have to twirl it and slurp it and bite it off at your teeth...AWKWARD)
chili-umm.
onion
garlic
nacho cheese

broccolli
corn on the cob gives you teeth boogers
giant globs of peanutbutter because it stinks && you talk weir after words
cabbage
soup
fish
milk
vanilla ice cream=BORING personality
tacos. multi tasking is IMPOSSIBLE
buffalo wild wings
deep fried ANYTHING
bean/chili-self explanatory
Indian food

Friday, September 9, 2011

s.t.r.es.s.s.s.

so unspoken stresses in my life right now. im so maxed out. well one is DUI and the other i cant talk about until it gets fixed. im struggeling though. last tuesday is when it started and i cannot fix it probably until i come home from OR. its some massive shit though. feels good to just kind of type about it since only like 5 people even know. i thank God for friends, family and my GLime right now. without them i couldnt be happy.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

princ.ess.



i came home to a present from Limer!!! im so excited. almost time to flip my middle fingers up at this town for a few days and hang out with someone who is as cool as me. cannot. wait.

what the fuck

i cant sleep i am having anxiety. i just realized ex husbands bday is today. i dont care but i remembered getting yelled at for driving too close to the curb or why did i turn then i should have waited or i should have gone. i remember getting chased around the island in my kitchen with him holding a knife and screaming at him to snap out of it he was going to kill me. its been 11 months since i left and everything is beginning to go back to normal. Kind. Of. apparently something snapped in my subconcious. i went to my private diary blog and seen the list i made for mama in order for her to realize WHY i was leaving him. i think i need therapy. not for him, but to heal my mind. i am so traumatized. i talked with my roommate a bit about it and he was appalled at the things "he" put me through. he said i could probably have had him thrown in jail. . . why didnt i DO THAT!! OMG i am so freaking sickened right now at the awful memories of some of the shit he did to me. its like. nothing you would imagine. thats how sick and awful it was. anyways. i told roomie that i really like GLime and i would never ever tell him what happened because its so fucked up and he said i should talk to a professional to get things off my chest. i told him that i dont want to ever feel any type of emotion. not disdain, or hate....anything. he is not worth any. type. of reaction. he agreed. im going to pray now and ask God to erase my memory and to heal me and help me get through it. i want to be done. done done done. anyways. anxiety is gone now. wish that i COULD talk to Limer about some of this...just to help, but we are NOT at all in any position to discuss this and i dont want him to ever have any ex drama with me. i just want him to remain unjaded/untainted and to be my extremely delicious Limer who is seperate from the bad parts of my past. he's like rain in the desert. . . amaazing. <3. so good night. xo.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

cant speak =x

i cant spend my whole life hiding my heart away but i am holding my chest to feel it beat and then make sure its ok. i cant get hurt again. so i close my eyes and remember the pain and how i ended up there in the first place. and REMEMBER. to be real, be me, but dont give my heart away until i know its an even exchange.

best song i listened to today-adele-love song. i keep hearing this damn song by different artists and Adele & 311 are BY far my fav. i like that laid back hypnotic sound i suppose. in 5 minutes i will have ((8)) days until i leave!

i was trying to be weird and in complete control and know what we were doing but now i just am so excited to go that im like if i have shower gel, razor, toothbrush & hooodies and jeans i dont CARE im ready to meet him. this will be great.



Monday, September 5, 2011

grunge. olson twins.

the olson twins intrigue me. they smoke cigaretts, never eat, always wear leather and some random long ass bag lady dress and yet they own more money than i can wrap my mind around. i love looking at them. so anyways here are some pics.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

picnik N makeup





weird thing. i dont really see a difference in photos. i need to learn how to wear makeup apparently. i just used primer, half baked, dark horse, smog, and gobs o eyeliner & mascara, then foundation & blush & bronzer....and um. its not that big of a dif. bleh. so im going to rockslide with my friend J, her husband C and our friend M. M lives in New Mexico so we're going to see a band at RS. no biggie. nothing neat going on today. just playing in make up and going through clothes to see what i can pack for OR!! 12 more friggin daysss. thats my one thing i cannot WAIIITT to do is see Limer. anyways. happy saturday-xo

Friday, September 2, 2011

10.yrs & different





10 years ago I was graduated from high school living, with michelle & driving like a 1984 tempo with a hole in the muffler. i was wearing skirts, no makeup and hair was down to my butt. i had no clue that just a few weeks from this day 10 years ago,  i would meet my first heartbreak, wear my first pants, smoke my first joint, and take my first underage shot. beginning the rest of my adult life completely different from how i was raised. i raised eyebrows across the church with my outgoing, in your face behavior. i am not a bad person. i just dont know how to live a double life so why would i lie about the way i was living. Nov i dated Nate. he was a chef who had graduated culinary school in South Carolina. he was super cute and was a bad boy. he taught me to take a hit off a one hitter joint, introduced me to nickelback, cigaretts, and vodka. after a few months of dating we broke up but i was already into my partying phase and life was now about shopping & partying. i had 2 jobs to support my lifestyle and my mom was IMPRESSED. let me tell you. working 2 jobs and partying i became huuuuge in dayton as far as knowing people. i know so many people there its ridiculous. anyways, i wasnt a fan of pot. i smoked camels because it was cool while drinking. i separated from my friends in the church i grew up in because they were all 18, going to churcch, preparing to marry their high school boyfriends and be house wives or preacher's wives....i just wanted away. i wanted to make friends with people who didnt grow up with me and accepted me for who i was. now i am friends still with the people i went to preschool on through high school with, we will always remain best friends. we live entirely different lives than what we thought we would have growing up. but we remain connected and inspire each other. we have had crazy lives. im sure my friends will all tell you, old friends and new friends alike that my life has been crazy. it has been enviable. i have had amazing adventures and met awesome people. ive met douchers but what would life be like without those insane moments and people to remind you how good your life really is. i cant believe 10 years has passed since the summer after my graduation. so much dumb stuff Heartbreak, Navy, TX, AR, Hurricane Katrina, Cassie's Wedding, My marriage, Gavin born, Deployment, Savanah's Birth, move to CO, Natalie's Wedding, my divorce....alottt! these next 10 years will be better. i know myself now.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

in my head

jumbled. so jumbely in thereee. i just want to move from here. I am hoping this stupid dui (my mistake yes) but im hoping that i can move still in Jan. i really want to move even if its 2 hours away. and if GLime and i end up talking more who cares where I live if I am flying there or whatever. I can live anywhere and fly....so im like ok, Denver has to work. I need a city. i can be closer to OH, in a city, still. able to work at VS, make MORE money, go back to school because I can work with more managers and get an even schedule. Im mad I didnt at least take one class this semester. bleh. i should have done just one online class. or 2. . i dont know i feel like a failure. this time last year i was already plotting to leave but i knew I had to wait until the wedding to figure it out. now i am 28, divorced. working @ VS with only ONE stupid semester behind me. And i am dying to hurry and get my degree so that I can be in marketing with VS maybe...somewhere that I can be something. I dont want to just be a divorced white female. so lame. i need to become something. i just dont know what that is yet.